NICU nurse, mom, talks about anxiety surrounding back-to-school

Amber Sahlhoff, a wife, mom and Beacon Children’s Hospital NICU nurse, talks candidly about how she is coping during the pandemic and with the uncertainties surrounding the start of the new school year. 

I woke up one morning last week crying in my sleep. In my dream, it was me who was going back to school rather than my children. I couldn’t remember the details of the dream but I remember the fear, the anxiety, and the sadness. I wondered, “Why am I so sad about this?”

It was my second time crying in my sleep recently and I’m normally a very stoic person. Compassionate, empathic, well yes. I’m a NICU nurse and I have been for the last 13 years. I can cry with a family who has lost their precious baby. I can tear up immediately when a friend is feeling pain. But for myself I rarely cry. I have this attitude that everything will be fine and I’m OK, until I’m not. I’m not OK. After 5 months of isolation and diligently keeping our household safe from coronavirus, I’m not OK, and I’m finally realizing it.

As with every person, there are nuances of my story and my family that are unique.

When coronavirus came into our radar early this spring, I started feeling more and more isolated, not just physically, but relationally and emotionally as well. One nuance is there is a medically fragile member of our family and keeping him safe became a focused passion.

“I feel like I’m on an island and no one is here with me,” I told my husband just a few days ago. I described all the ways I feel apart and alone. “Some of my friends and family can dock on my island and share parts of it with me, and others can share a different part of my island, but no one is just here with me. I’m lonely.”

Now granted, friends and family have tried to be there for me. I have two who keep me stocked with disinfectant wipes whenever they can find it. I have had family reach out to check on me and help me as they could. Everyone has been respectful of the boundaries I have created for our family.

But there has been the pain, too. Comments said to me or around me that stung. Articles sent that are wrapped in politicized and medical inaccuracies to try to convince me that my cares and concerns are wrong. On my worst days, I tell myself I’m going to get off social media altogether and see no one — everyone would have a better time without me.

As comes with the territory of a new strain of a virus, there is an ever-changing world of data, opinion, research and guidance. As a nurse, I thought I could use my medically trained mind to study what was out there and to make an informed decision. I’ve spent hours upon hours looking at data and medical articles. I’ve talked with physicians about our situation and what we should do about the school decision.

While the decision to send my kids to school or keep them home has been fought with uncertainty and worry, and I still am unsure I know the right answer, there are some things I do know. I know that we are better when we operate out of love and understanding with one another. I know that I have some safe people in my life that I can lean into when the world feels very divisive. I know that I can be gentle with myself. I know that this is a time of collective grief and that it’s OK to be scared, anxious, angry, or at peace. We all grieve and process in different ways. I also know that for me self-care is talking to God, running, reading, sleep, hot baths, croissants and coffee. I hope that you will find your ways to self care, and whatever your approach to COVID-19 and school starting, I hope that we can all find common ground, kindness and empathy.