Memorial nurse shares feelings of “mom guilt” in the time of COVID

Kristen Johnson, a Memorial oncology nurse educator, who worked in the COVID unit, offers a candid perspective about how she is struggling with “mom guilt” during the pandemic.

The first time I felt fear as a mother related to Covid-19 was during our initial hospital briefing. While sitting in the Memorial auditorium listening to our infection disease specialist and other doctors talk about possible infection rates based on what we knew then, it became real. And it sent my mind whirling. I first thought of my children. My youngest had respiratory issues when she was younger and I was terrified about what could happen to her. I had to protect my children at all costs.

At the same time, I also felt the need to be one of the volunteers for the Covid unit on 7 East. I wanted to make a difference and learn what I could. Even if it meant being with positive patients, that was what I would do. I had lengthy conversations with my girls and my family. I prepped them for the possibility of Mommy being away from them for an extended time and my oldest really struggled with the idea. We talked about Facetime and phone calls, but she still cried when I had to leave.

I worked on the Covid unit for a little over a month. During that time, I talked to my girls every chance I had. My oldest started journaling her experiences during quarantine as a way to process all of the changes taking place. I made the decision to go back to my home unit after that month and my girls were thrilled to return to more of a normal schedule.

What sticks out the most about our quarantine summer was that it tended to blur. It was difficult to entertain two kids cooped up in the house all of the time. I bought arts and crafts supplies, new books, educational workbooks and we spent more time as a family, but it was still a struggle to fight off boredom. Both of my girls also had birthdays during quarantine. I struggled emotionally with both. I wanted them to have a normal life in abnormal circumstances. We managed to have family and friends celebrate a drive-by birthday with car horns honking at the birthday girl. Honestly, I think they liked quarantine birthday even more than a normal birthday after that.

I am that ‘mean mom’ though. I have to repeatedly tell my girls, ‘No, you can’t go see your cousins,’ and ‘No, we can’t have a sleepover with your friends.’ We made the decision to miss the spring softball season and my youngest daughter was very disappointed. The hardest part has been trying to explain the why to my kids. They don’t understand why we can’t go back to normal. Some people don’t follow any guidelines and I get a lot of pushback for trying to maintain quarantine as much as possible.

Both of my girls have restarted school. There were a lot unknowns leading up to the start and I struggled with the decision, however their school system has done an amazing job so far of maintaining social distancing. They are doing a hybrid of 50 percent capacity and E-learning days with mandatory masks. My oldest daughter has been begging for school to start since July and I wanted the girls to have some socialization. I am so thankful for the village of people that help me because without them I would not be able to give my job or my girls all of the attention that is needed.

I still wonder if I am doing the right thing on a daily basis. Every parent doubts themselves, but the pandemic has magnified that doubt tenfold for me. I question myself daily. Am I there for them enough? Am I working too much when I should be at home? Is it safe for them to go to school in any capacity? Am I restricting them too much? How much screen time have they had and when did they last go outside? Despite knowing I am doing my best, I feel guilty all of the time.

I don’t know how much my girls have processed this, but I grieve for the experiences they have lost and may never get back. I’m not sure if the world will return to normal any time soon, but I will always strive to keep them as safe as I possibly can, even if that makes me the mean mom.